Oh, yesturday at grandma's was so much good. Laura and I were hanging out, which always makes me happy. Further, I saw Lee (my cousin from California.) I ate many vegan cookies, and talked to Gabe and this kid I really like on my celly.

So Gabe is very cool. He's, I want to say, 31 now. He's been through some SHIT...suicide attempts with his neighbor and mom, getting stuck in southern ghettos, his girlfriend being a junkie... He's one of those people you love to hang out with just to see what they say next. He's very much more than meets the eye.

This kid I like is, and I guess it's okay to use his name now that him and his girlfriend are over, Brandon. 'Lest you go to java hutt, you do not know him. So...he's kind of an asshole, and that's what makes me like him so much. People like/have liked me that are really shy, and thats kind of a turn off for me. Any form of outrageous confidence is what will make me want to date you. It can't just be an underlying confidence. Blatantly racist outbursts and exposure of any private part are choice. I guess underlying could be accepted, but that would be harder for me to be convinced of the confidence. (I'm probably going to wind down in the winter of my dating career with someone not so outrageous, but who knows.) Further, Brandon isn't purely an asshole. In the same way Britt was an asshole, Brandon is. That is to say that they're both very lovable and sweet. Brandon kissed my hand the first time I left his house, and I thought that was one of the cutest things...but then again, I'm babbling. Cut and dry, I like him mostly because he likes me kinda. He stopped trying to patch things up with his girlfriend, and hes been calling me more often than not as a result. How can I resist a nose stud and back tattoo?

Concerns: I've realized how sad I was before Britt and I happened. Just all the time. Once I had a boyfriend, I felt like I was safe. Family and friends never really did that for me, and I'm going to play the intimacy card just one more time to explain why that is. I mean, my mom is an absolute mess. I'd love to see her not have to use drugs and alcohol to get through stress. Also, friends are ever changing. I mean, friends is a general idea, rather than a specific relationship open to definition. I think I may have become acclimated to some of my friends. Almost like having to increase one's dose of heroin once one has grown a tolerance to it. Having someone to hold on to and worry about is like a concentrated dose. Friends are something that you assume will always be there. I assume mine will always be there, but a "better half" is like a friendship with extremes. Extreme emotional climaxes, concentrated concerns...etc etc. They are an overdose of love, whereas friends and family are the normal dose. I will use a metaphor that my creative writing teacher used: it's a matter of orange juice versus concentrate. Perhaps this is why I'm in hot pursuit of falling in love again. Maybe this is why I've stumbled into a withdrawl, feeling like what I used to feel like before Britt.

What can I say? I'm a junkie.

emma